May 2010 Archives

it took hours to chew through just one thought today. and it was not even a very big one.
in the end the question won and i somehow stood at the beginning of the circle again.
circles do not have beginnings, of course. and so i was nowhere.
just like that.

i was a drawing today. for hours at a time. and that was a nice thing to be. just a drawing. or at least elements of a drawing. a cropped collection of lines. gathered over hours. now available worldwide, instantly, in bad resolution.
no real winners here.
i should make some new drawings.
stop holding up the same old ones.
as if i had passed away a few years ago.
that's just not right.

i will need to prepare the studio for drawing. right now it has an altar for the religion of the web. and mass is whenever there might be some update somewhere. how very sad is that.
instead of transforming the world into something very personal, i often look at the world as it falls apart into tiny little squares of light. a very temporary skin.
the inside covers of a gigantic book shop. or book show.
and it knows where and when and who and yet it really does not.

drawing will be better.
even if i do have to start at 0.5
somewhere, at the desk behind me now.
as i am again at the altar of the web.

why is that? it really does not need me.

This last visit to Germany really took away some years from the end of my life. And it was not the food, because that was rather good. And it was not the places where I stayed, as I seemed to get upgraded in every hotel now. And not even the travel. All modes of transportation were about as good as I could have hoped for.
No, it was the psychological underpinnings of it. And maybe the weather too.
I have been ground down to a little core of a grain at this point. And the nerves are blank now. And I overreact to the world inside and outside of me.
My biggest piece of good luck is probably to be surrounded by brilliant people. Or what might be the bigger piece of good luck even is that the brilliant people are on my side of the equation.

But that last trip managed to bargain out quite a price for what will some day be seen as "experience". Or maybe the memory is just freshest at this point. That's probably what it really is.

And now, before 4 am on a Monday. I should probably not be typing on the glass surface of a little device that really wants to grab more and more of my attention.
The moon is rising as a thin orange sliver over the outline of the King's county hospital. And I should be sleeping. Too much is too much. Sometimes it really is.