i think i will just take the trains.

there is a certain lightness in the knowledge that a lot of the things said here are now outside of me. it is a part of a previous me, not necessarily the current me. and that's interesting and odd and ... how does this really work? what happens when i lose the connection to all the code that was hidden between the lines of some of the former entries, written in a time of desperation and frustration? if i ran into myself writing some of these entries, would i be upset with myself? or would i smile, knowing that things would eventually turn a lot brighter. when walking down smith street in brooklyn one day, i saw maybe three or four people who's back story i knew at least a little. and it made them more vulnerable, more human. i thought then what it would be like to walk down any street and just know everyone's back story. and also know the back story of every house and every object and even the water that makes up the clouds. would the world feel larger then? or would it feel much smaller? a unified, large living thing. "there is a point in life when you know everyone around you, and also all of the surroundings. and then you die." (i think bruce said that.) yes, somewhere in a tiny room, maybe surrounded by blurry, yet familiar faces. or maybe in a racing ambulance? for a third time. perhaps alone, on the floor of the living room, the dust of the carpet having that very familiar scent of a long unopened book. and then the rest begins. or it does not. nothing begins really. nothing ends. not on a larger scale. it just keeps adjusting towards something else. but it does not begin or end. we make up beginnings or ends. they are a construct of our need to see things by comparison alone. maybe? 278 days are gone from this year. and there are 87 days left. on day 299-66 we will sit in some very bad seats in the belly of a 747 and go back to europe, on a little vacation. there is always a good amount of driving, but this time we will stay in one place. the places i never dared to visit longer than a day or so, sometimes even an hour, or just an afternoon, these will be the places that will now be around longer. can't wait. dear future me. if you ever need to know what an entry looks like by the old you who was tired and ready to just sleep... here is one. a slowly flowing body of water maybe. most of it, at least. i will now take the trains.