There was an incredibly angry man at the diner yesterday. He was maybe 40, tall, was wearing black rimmed glasses, a checkered shirt, khaki shorts. His short blond hair made him look even more like a low ranked military guy.
He was one of the very clean people. His legs were even shaven. He was incredibly angry. He was angry with the waiter. He was angry with the busboy, he was definitely angry with the chef. He would get up in the middle of his meal and just stare with this bitter freezing expression into the direction of the kitchen. He was really saturated with negative energy.
When a little boy in the booth behind him kept jumping on the seat, he actually got up from his chair and told the boy to be quiet, pointing at the face of the boy. I have maybe seen parents talking harshly to their children, but having a tall military guy go loud and serious with a pointing finger towards a 4 year old... this was new. The boy cried. The parents carried him out of the place. A mother in the both not far away used this opportunity to teach her daughter that it was very important to behave...
Should there have rather been somebody to tell the angry lonely guy to behave? Should somebody have scooped him up and just carried him outside and told him that pointing and instructing other people's children is not the right thing to do, especially not in family diners?... I thought I should have said something... I was a bit too shocked to say anything. (The man finished his meal, btw. He made sure to tell the waiter that the "food was awful" and that he would "complain to the manager"...)
Oh well...
On the train this morning, an older lady was clipping the most exotic coupons out of the paper. She looked as if she actually wanted to just have a slow morning?... I really wanted to invite her to have breakfast with me... but it was only a thought. I have not managed to actually say anything...
Hmm...
The first homeless man on the train had the nicest shoes on I have ever seen on a homeless man. They were brand new light suede shoes. He was a fast talker, he collected some cash.
The second homeless man, who was collecting money so his "wife could put a warm meal on the table tonight", had also quite nice sandals on.
The third Homeless man, who ended up not getting any change at all, was wearing very old black sneakers. The man was missing his right leg. Somebody had written a large red 64 on his prothesis, which gave it the look of a borrowed item. He did not say a word... He just shook his dirty paper cup.
I thought about giving him something and then I did not... next time?
Another useless thought?
There were two homeless guys on 86th and Broadway. One of them managed to get a spot in a building niche. The other man was just right there, his shirt off, on his back, his eyes closed, his mouth open. He looked like the "The Body of the Dead Christ in the Tomb" 1521-2 by Hans Holbein... What did I do?...
Nothing...
Do thoughts really count? Life certainly rewards actions... But thoughts alone?...
Did it matter at all that I was in all these places and that I saw all this?
I did not change a thing? I have not helped in any one of the situations. I was just a somehow useless "neutral" observer... Not very happy about it...
Not very happy...
"Should there have rather been somebody to tell the angry lonely guy to behave? Should somebody have scooped him up and just carried him outside and told him that pointing and instructing other people's children is not the right thing to do, especially not in family diners."
Yeah...and if that had been my kid that "somebody" would have been me.
Posted by: em!ly on August 10, 2003 10:20 PMthis sounds like a lot of nothingness for one entry, but in realty, it isn't a lot. how often does the average brain decide per day if it should or should not do something? 1000 times? 5000 times? those count as some thoughts? the only bad decisions are those where the brain decided not to do something, but should have, i.e. savings somebodies life. then you're in trouble with regret.
witold, none of your decisions were bad decisions, they are perfectly normal, nothing to be unhappy about.
just make sure that you have your hero cape with you all the times, to save something or somebody when it really counts. that's the witold we all know and love.
Posted by: Joergen on August 10, 2003 10:23 PMthank you so much... : )
Posted by: Witold Riedel on August 10, 2003 10:29 PMi dont think that i would have spoken with the angry man nor would i have given those men my spare change. i am not an activist; my tendencies are to disappear into the crowd, to be wary, rather than be helpful. and its hard to give when everywhere you turn someone needs something. i personally cannot go through my life giving giving giving.
but i believe that thoughts do not count. i am not a monster disciplinarian about this, beating myself up because i do not act. but i try to act more often.
there are other ways to act. i do things to please my friends. i try to be more aware of how co-workers are, how my neighbors are doing, what my parents need and i try to affect these people in good ways. and i make great efforts to affect them today. now. i try not to take family and friends for granted. anyone can go tomorrow and dammit, it doesnt matter if you had been thinking the good thoughts. thoughts do NOT count.
My life in NYC so far seems to have consisted of little more than being a useless, neutral observer. And I'm not happy about it, either.
Posted by: Anna on August 11, 2003 11:10 AMit's a question we ask ourselves all the time...does what we do count more than what we think we should do? and what about intentions? and what about knowing you're a good person but being too scared, or too wary or too introverted? and if we would all 'do' things instead of watching them, who would we be 'doing' them for? and why?
i love this website because it makes me ask these questions and it lets me know when i'm thinking i'm alone i'm really not!
Posted by: therese on August 13, 2003 01:38 PMsomething i found completely by chance this afternoon...
two excerpts, followed by a link to the article, which is not very deep, but has a lot of fun charts (particularly 4 and 5) and interesting discussion:
Suddenly a man carrying a huge bag of peanuts called out in pain and fell to the ground. I then witnessed an astonishing piece of choreography. Appearing to have rehearsed their motions many times, a half dozen sellers ran from their stalls to help, leaving unattended what may have been the totality of their possessions. One put a blanket under the man's head; another opened his shirt; a third questioned him carefully about the pain; a fourth fetched water; a fifth kept onlookers from crowding around too closely; a sixth ran for help. Within minutes, a doctor arrived, and two other locals joined in to assist.
Do our results mean that New Yorkers are less kind people?less caring on the inside?than city dwellers in more helpful places? Not at all. The New Yorkers to whom we spoke gave many good reasons for their reluctance to help strangers. Most, like me, had been taught early on that reaching out to people you don't know can be dangerous. To survive in New York, we were told, you should avoid even the vaguely suspicious.
Some also expressed concern that others might not want unsolicited help, that the stranger, too, might be afraid of outside contact or might feel patronized or insulted. Many told stories of being outright abused for trying to help. One woman described an encounter with a frail, elderly man with a red-tipped cane who appeared unable to manage crossing an intersection. When she gently offered assistance, he barked back, "When I want help I'll ask for it. Mind your own f---ing business." Others told of being burned once too often by hustlers. One nonhelper commented that "most New Yorkers have seen blindness faked, lameness faked, been at least verbally accosted by mentally ill or aggressive homeless people. This does not necessarily make one immune or callous, but rather, wary."
link to the american scientist article.